April 18, 1999 - A Defining Moment

Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God—children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband’s will, but born of God. ...he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit... (John 1:12-13, Titus 3:5)

April 18, 1999 - This is when it all began. This is when my life changed. It was my defining moment. Only someone who has truly experienced the hand of God on their life will understand what I have to write. Some will not finish reading, some will be skeptical and some will, hopefully, wonder and and think on it.

It's my testimony. It's a little difficult to write. It's not like someone else's and it may not be as grandiose as others, but it's mine. And thankfully God does not look at one testimony as bigger and better than any other. In His eyes, we are all sinners saved by grace. Our acceptance of the Lord is a defining moment in our lives. Until one experiences the exact moment when the God calls, one will not understand.

Of course I have to reveal some things about myself I'm not comfortable about. Sometimes God heals when we reveal, when we become transparent. I mentioned yesterday that is the power of the Holy Spirit of God that does the calling and transforming. It is then that God's goodness is imparted to us. There is nothing good we can do on our own. "God's goodness comes not through our own resources," Pastor Bob Ona told us on April 18, 1999.

So here's what happened. I was at a very unhappy time in my life. Things were not falling into place as I had imagined they would. I became very angry and bitter with an intense rage welling up within me. (I don't believe this comes on suddenly, but builds over the years.) There are people who today find it hard to believe I could have been so angry. All I know is my poor husband got the brunt of my anger and rage, which included horrible words. He even became my punching bag, which is sickens my stomach even today. As I write this, however, I am reminded at how angry I was even as a child. Where did all that come from? Was it because as an only child in a dysfunctional home I never had a chance to outwardly release my anger or share it with anyone? Was it my first failed marriage? I just kept stuffing and stuffing...

I know now that the anger at that time was not hidden from family and friends. I don't even want to know what people thought of me then. I just know that my sister-in-law repeatedly asked us to join her and my husband's brother at church. We kept rejecting the invitation. I was happy to have my coffee and watch an old movie on Sunday mornings by myself or go shopping while my husband was doing his own thing.

One day at a family function and I asked my sister-in-law a question which opened the door for her to invite me yet again to church. I again refused. She shared a bit of personal information with me and it caused me to begin to weep and say, "I want that." (Only God could have planted that desire within me. He had been at work in me without my even knowing it.) She sweetly implored, "Come to church tomorrow. Meet us there." I accepted.

Being raised Lutheran, the service was quite different from what I had known. It was all so new and yet all so refreshing, alive. I listened to the sermon. The pastor was nice and his sermon powerful. This is where I needed to listen again to that sermon of ten years ago to make sure I had all the words that he spoke that changed my life accurate.

He told us we strive to do things in our own strength and get nowhere. It's when we get to the end of our own strength and realize there is nothing we can do that we need to seek help. When we realize this, it is God we need to run to. Pastor Ona also told us "God says we're not weak, we're powerless. We can't do [anything] alone, ever." And it's in coming humbly to the Lord and asking for forgiveness and help that He gives us strength. Romans 7:24 states: O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? The "who" in this statement is Jesus Christ. Pastor said "it's not about a program, a technique, but a person. It's walking humbly with our God, a relationship with Jesus Christ, not a religion or philosophy." He added that we need to come to the knowledge that we need Jesus to help us.

Afterward the sermon he invited us to all bow our heads. He spoke to men about being good husbands and fathers. And he said, "Ma'am, [not necessarily to me, but it seemed like it!] there's only one way to be a good wife. It's not in first and foremost trying to please him, it is fearing God and walking humbly with Him. When you do, good will come to your husband." He kept reiterating that we need to come to Jesus Christ to get rid of the sin that consumes us and he urged us to call on Jesus. These were not the words I heard! All I remember hearing was "there is nothing you can do to change your situation, but I know Someone who can and that is the Lord Jesus Christ." Funny how we can condense a sermon into that one short sentence. But it is the truth.

Let me tell you, when we were asked to raise our hands if we needed Jesus to help us, my hand shot up so fast I'd swear someone had yanked it up. I knew I needed help. And here's where the "knowing what I experienced" comes in. When I raised my hand, I felt a power surge from the top of the fingers in my upraised hand to the center of my soul and into all my limbs. It took weeks before I found out that was the the Holy Spirit at work. Upon my desperate desire for help, the Lord was not going to just let me be. He entered in.

I knew nothing about the Holy Spirit. I had never experienced anything like this so for me to just make this up was totally doubtful. I know we are not always supposed to rely on feelings or experiences, but I believe when God wants you to know something, He can reveal it. I only knew what I felt at the moment I had made up my mind I needed Jesus! It was to be a defining moment, a change that took place in my heart.

A couple changes occurred immediately but I will be the first to admit I'm still not perfect, no one ever will be. My prayer is that these blogs will help me to sort through other issues and work in my spirit what God so wants for me to know, to do and to be. Despite issues in everyday life, I know there's a peace deep within that continues to hold me together. God knows what work still needs to be done and in His perfect timing and His perfect way it will happen. What I know is that His hand is upon me and it is He only who has the power to change people's lives. And He will.

Acts 16:30-31 - …and after he [keeper of the prison] brought them [Apostle Paul and Silas] out, he said, “Sirs, what must I do to be saved?” They said, “Believe on the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved, you and your household.”