Thursday, October 25, 2012

He Who Has Begun a Good Work

Philippians 1:6 - ...being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ...

We all have unsettling days. I've gone through a few and there will be more to come. Yet, I will praise the Lord. Praise Him for the work He is doing, although I don't see it. Praise Him just because I know that what He does is always for good, not evil. Praise Him that He is the Lord of all and all evil is under His feet. Praise Him because I am His child and if He cares about a small sparrow, how much more does He care for me?

I've heard people say they were in a spiritual battle. I know people within our church who are in the midst of difficult times with no end that they can see. But God...knows. I would never have thought I'd be in a spiritual battle. I wasn't so sure this wasn't just something man made up to disguise whatever it was they had no way of explaining. But one day you awaken and know in your spirit something's not right. But the spiritual battle means there's some great victory in the end. It's what we can hold on to till we are through it.

You question God: Why do I feel like this? Is it something I've done wrong? Am I out of your will? Have I even been in it? Are You, Lord, in any of this? And if not, why not? You begin to question yourself: Am I doing too much or not enough? Is what I am doing worthwhile? Am I qualified? You plead for answers and hear nothing.

Here's the thing: there is an enemy who comes to steal, kill and destroy. And no child of God is immune to his attacks. No one. He wants to undermine everything you do for God. He wants to whittle away at self-esteem, purpose, gifts. He wants to totally destroy you. And when you recognize this you have to tell him, in Jesus' name, he is not wanted and he must get out! And then you must remind yourself and this enemy who you are in Christ and what He has promised.

I've been battling fatigue for awhile. I've been battling a dryness in my soul. I've been feeling like God is distant. I've felt the Word has lost it's meaning. I try to read and it makes no sense...and yet when I hear a scripture it can bring tears of joy. Who can understand all this? Where do the blogs come from? Are they my mind writing or is God giving me the words? Am I writing truth or fiction?

In finally...finally...admitting this to a friend, she understood. It has happened to her. Was my pride holding back my feelings, wanting to only be seen as all together!? Was the reason I went home before going to Sunday service last weekend (in tears) part of this? Is this why I find it hard to get motivated? Even my blogs seem difficult to write. I have several sort of written but not really complete. Thoughts drift in and out but are never quite complete.

As my friend said, If you feel like weeping, weep. You don't know what intercession you might be in the midst of during it. But why do I not hear God; why do I not sense His presence? I feel so all alone. I feel lost. I feel like sleeping...

But God... Am I in my own what if, then moment, like Esther? But God... I know I'm a child of God. I know His promises for me. I know He will never leave me or forsake me. And here I am in this hole, a black emptiness surrounded by sleepiness...sometimes sleeplessness.

But God...and I took another look at the blog I wrote several days ago but only posted the other day. What I've been writing lately has come out of a heart in discord. I've been writing things that speak to my inner turmoil! Not just but God...but only God.

I poured my heart out to my friend in tears. Why am I going through this? Is this what a spiritual attack is? Her answers I already knew, but you tend to forget when you aren't tracking properly. One thought was God is getting ready to do something big. Another was what I'd heard and written about (many times) that can happen...God puts you through things to strengthen you...and when you come out of it, there's a change you would never have guessed was occurring (because you're sleeping through it all??). I thank my God He never slumbers nor sleeps!

But the thing to remember, what I needed to remember, is that I am a child of God. I am sealed by His blood. He began a good work and, by golly, He will see it to the end. Now all glory to God, who is able, through His mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think (Ephesians 3:20).

My friend said I might be on the Lord's potter's wheel. He may be in the process of molding and shaping me. He may be wanting to work some things OUT of me...perhaps things I've clung on to for too long...or maybe wanting to work IN me. Insecurities, fear, doubt, pride...or the opposite of them. Hey, whatever it is, if I come out at the end of this internal battle with or without whatever, I WILL be praising God because I will know I didn't do it on my own...just like I write about.

But God, what if...then...ways of knowing He is for us and not against us. Ways to added trust in Him. Ways to put all confidence in Him. Ways to know that He stands all around you protecting just one more of His flock.

Lord, help me to hear and know without a shadow of a doubt that you are guiding my steps. Don't let me wander on my own. Pull me back when I go astray. Don't ever let me go. Strengthen me, open my ears to hear your voice more clearly. Show me when to act or when to speak and let me not falter or balk. Let my words be Yours, yes and amen. I don't want to do on my own. Thank You for my being able to admit weaknesses. 

Maybe some day I'll have another blog describing what I went through and for what reason. It's hard to see clearly now. I don't recognize my surroundings. I just walk one step at a time, praying He is alongside, guiding me and working that strength within me.

Isaiah 40:28-29,31 - Have you not known? Have you not heard? The everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth, neither faints nor is weary. His understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the weak, and to those who have no might He increases strength. (And) those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint. 

To that I say SELAH.

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