Lord, Why?

Isaiah 40:31 - But those who wait on the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint. 

Every so often I get to a place that I do not understand. I've been there lately. I feel like I'm in limbo, like something should be happening but it isn't, like I need to be doing something, but circumstances don't present themselves. As I started to write I heard the soft words "Wait upon Me" in my spirit. It seems like all I've been doing is waiting. Waiting for the right time, the right circumstance, the right words, the right boldness. Wait, wait, wait. I've grown impatient. 

It wasn't until I read this part of a sermon by Carter Conlon of Times Square Church in New York that I understood what I might be going through:

GIVE ME A REASON TO NOT GIVE UP
by Carter Conlon

“Give me a reason not to give up!” This is the deep cry in the hearts of many today. They don’t need an extensive list of reasons—even one would suffice. If you have that cry in your heart, it’s an honest cry, and I believe the Lord has an answer for you.

“Truly God is good to Israel, even to such as are of a clean heart. But as for me, my feet were almost gone; my steps had well nigh slipped...Verily I have cleansed my heart in vain, and washed my hands in innocency. For all the day long have I been plagued, and chastened every morning” (Psalms 73:1−2; 13−14).

The psalmist begins by saying, “God, I know You are good to Your people. I know You bless those who walk with clean hands and a pure heart. But as for me, I am ready to give up. I have tried to avoid evil and keep myself focused on the works of eternity. I have walked a narrow path when others, even those who claim to belong to the body of Christ, seem to walk a much broader path. But to what end? What influence has my life had on the ungodly? How have I affected this world, or even my own family?”

The psalmist continues, “For I was envious at the foolish, when I saw the prosperity of the wicked. For there are no bands in their death: but their strength is firm. They are not in trouble as other men; neither are they plagued like other men” (Psalms 73:3−5). In other words, “The ungodly seem to be enjoying pleasures that I have deprived myself of. They claim to be free, strong and happy, which is more than I can say about myself at the moment.” Have you ever reached a place as a Christian where the unsaved look better off than you?

Before I go on, believe me when I say I don't see myself with the cleanest of hearts, nor do I feel chastened. But I do feel plagued, in a way. Then there are the days I wonder if my path is narrow enough. I'm convicted in my heart about the nonsense in this world and the frustrations escalate. I feel like I've been punched in the stomach sometimes. I feel like there's more to me than I am doing. But what was that I heard, "Wait?" But Lord, how much more waiting do I have to do? Why? Especially when you use anyone to do your will...anyone. If you can use Balaam's ass in Numbers 22, you can use me! 

Or is it that I have failed to see when I could be used? What is it, Lord? When have I not spoken and chosen to remain silent or maybe missed an opportunity altogether? You know, maybe my spirit needs a hearing aid! I can't believe that I don't have it in me to speak. And what's this, an inability to write now too!? Lord, why?

I've felt like holing up somewhere and pulling a blanket over my head. I've felt like emptying my mind instead of renewing it. Lord, why?

I so see what is happening in this world and how we are destroying ourselves as a nation. I see right turning into wrong in the eyes of the world. And what was wrong has been so diluted and made to be tolerated. What an upside down world we are in. Where are You, God? Why have you let us get to this place? 

But you ask me to wait. You know what will happen. You ask me to be patient and Your Word tells me that those who wait shall mount up with wings as eagles. When? How long? You say wait. Am I missing something here? You speak quietly..."Wait upon Me." There is a lost and dying world at our fingertips, outside our doors, outside the walls of my comfort. We are to be Your eyes, feet and mouth. But the words escape me. People want to be left to their own devices. They don't want "peculiar people" interrupting what is important to them. And that is frustrating. Oh, but wait. You also said that would happen. Jesus was rejected by His own...so shall we. Am I not willing to allow that to happen?

I'm not exactly living a dreadful life. I still have creature comforts. But in my heart I'm prepared for not so pleasant days. I'm willing to give stuff up if need be. Whatever it takes to be closer to You. All you require is our obedience and sacrifice. To obey is better than sacrifice. Where am I not obedient? Where have I lagged behind? How do I avoid distractions? 

You remind me throughout Your Word to wait for You. Psalm 37:7 tells me to rest in You and wait patiently for You. Psalm 27:14 again tells me to wait on You and be of good courage, that You will strengthen my heart. Psalm 37:34 also tells me to wait for You and keep Your way and those who wait will inherit the land and see the wickedcut off from it. Isaiah 64 reminds me that only You...only You...act for the one who waits for You.

I'm waiting, not so patiently, I'm afraid. Waiting for something, but not sure what. Waiting to be used, waiting for that appointed time, waiting for the words to come, waiting for the opportunities. Wanting to strive, but striving's not the thing to do. And it's all in Your time. How much longer, Lord?

Habakkuk 2:3 - For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay.