Oh, how I know the Lord hears even my thoughts. This is sort of an addendum to the August 27 blog. Although I struggled with the idea of feeling alone in a congregation, it wasn't the congregation I was feeling alone in...I was feeling out of God! If I had determined to stay home, though I dragged my feet to go to a church God had directed me to, I would not have become aware that I was in a very large, painful wilderness...until last Sunday.
I have tried a couple times to write this but fell short, wandering here and there in my thoughts.
Maybe I should just say this, when we acknowledge in whatever way we can that we will follow Christ, no matter what, it frees us from unnecessary burdens. I mean really frees us.
I also believe because I was obedient in my leaving one church and going to another I was experiencing doubt that only comes from the enemy...and often these trials come just before something big happens in your life. Call me crazy, but something is about to happen...and it's exciting. A breakthrough for me. But I needed to be tried first.
Last Sunday all I had been going through came to a head. Overhearing someone talking about something brought a comment from me that exploded the conversation without my feeling intrusive or changing of the subject. But I just happened to be in the right place at the right time with the right person and she walked me through a series of questions relating to my complaint, confusion, whatever it was. It ended with an If God chose not to do give you relief from this, would you still follow Him? As difficult as this was, determining whether I would follow God in spite of unanswered prayer I said Absolutely...despite how hard it would be. I knew the reverent fear of God was greater. I knew Him to be the only truth in life...and knowing the only truth also meant having some real idea what real life was all about...real life is trusting God in all things, especially when you don't sense His presence.
After a powerful, weepy day in church I wept going home and wanted nothing more than to be alone with my thoughts and with the Lord, to let all that transpired settle deep in my spirit. I'm certain today it's still settling in. The anguish I'd felt for a very long time, the aloneness I'd felt, the fear that I was walking slowly away from God, the feeling of helplessness, lack of joy and peace, was no more. A huge burden had been lifted.
All because of God's perfect timing. Just when I was certain I'd done something to cause Him to leave me and I was beside myself, He let me know I was not alone...and that others have been where I was. He'd heard my thoughts afar off...even though they may have been verbal as I wandered around the house! He was well acquainted with my tears as well.
Why did I have to go through this? As a test of my faith. It wasn't the first time and it won't be the last but maybe I will have an even greater understanding and next time just allow the test to take place, knowing, despite what thoughts and feelings I have (which are not always mine nor His but the enemy's) He is there.
Shrinking back is not an option. But digging in is. Shouting to Him in no uncertain terms that He will always be my God no matter what is what is necessary. That whatever may befall me, I will trust in Him. Only He knows why we are allowed to go through periods of unrest in our lives. It boils down to this: we must trust Him in all things. If we are His children, He has not forsaken us. We are being tested and tried that we might come out of His refining fire.
Hallelujah!
1Peter 1:7 - that the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ...
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